Columbo Villian of the Week
12 12 2007The temptation proved too much. By popular demand this week’s CVTW is the mistress of excess: Amy Winehouse.
Amy Winehouse is the tormented and talented R & B singer from North London. Winehouse is blessed arguably the most unique female vocal in the business, whilst, at the same time, being cursed with one of the most addictive personalities the business has ever seen.
Now after my far earlier rant of a few months ago, where I voiced some fairly heated opinions on the merits of intervention, I have become slightly more suspicious as too the legitimacy of Amy’s illness. Either that or her PR people have no ethics what-so-ever.
Ok maybe it’s the latter but that’s not half as funny as the former. I can see it now…
Amy, up for six Grammies, shows up for the event “half-cut” then proceeds to give a brilliant but clearly drunken performance that has the audience cheering and jeering in equal measure. However, she fails to win a single award and worse the papers don’t even pick up on her drunken antics, instead they focus on another UK wildcat.
Cerys Matthews, the original bad girl of Brit pop and Cwl Cymru, is back in the world of showbiz after a hideously tabloid showing on “I’m a celebrity get me out of here”. She steals the show by performing a brilliant live set in Welsh from her new album in her own equally unique, raw way. She finishes the evening by falling, stoned, into Simon Cowell’s lap face down.
In a masterpiece of PR she then pukes, in his lap. Tabloid Gold.
Amy, livid, reads all this the next day in the War and Peace like folder of press cuttings delivered by her PR man. Drastic measures are called for. Then her dad strikes on the idea of a duet.
It’s perfect, Amy thinks, I’ll have the bitch where I want her.
Recognising that the novelty of performing in Welsh will wear off real quick when the English realise what they’re actually singing about, Cerys jumps at the opportunity to regain real credibility. She leaps at the offer.
Well not really, the record label has her back on smack and so she merely nods in a confused way. Allegedly.
Amy has erstwhile hubby Blake-thingy-majig/money-sucking-parasite broken out of prison in order to facilitate the final act. Having shot up a bit of Columbian courage, he climbs the studio rig and when Cerys enters he drops a sub-woofer on her head.
It misses (you didn’t really expect me to kill my fellow Taff?) and, in a move of poetic justice, kills her new squeeze Marc Bannerman. Blake-thingy-majig is unable to co-ordinate and falls on the prone corpse electrocuting himself in the progress.
Ok, it went wrong. But, Amy tells herself philosophically, at least it generated good press for both parties and they’ve both got more cash for their burgeoning drug habits. Allegedly.
There’s just one little thing. One tiny detail. An email she sent her dead husband with the details of her crime laid out for the world to see, she asked him to delete it but Blakey will be Blakey. And that is flaky. She needs to get onto his computer to check whether he did as he was told.
She knows where he left it, she’d be there right now if it wasn’t for that damned scruffy policeman. Curse New York and their damn police. What’s that in his cigar hand? A piece of paper?
Oh s**t.
That is one troubled individual right there. Sad, I guess.
Yep.
I think what is sad is that you feel sad for her…She is a grown woman and capable of making her own decisions. Just because she does not make the same decisions with her life as you or anyone else does, that does not mean that she is “troubled” as the media keeps saying. She obviously doesn’t think she is troubled and neither do I. Its ashame that Just because Amy Winehouse does what she wants with her life that people cast judgment…Maybe you are jealousy or envious that you don’t have the balls to do what you want regardless of what other people say about you…
Actually Spike I’m pretty infamous for doing what I want regardless of what other people say. It’s just taking copious amounts of coke and injecting heroin between my toes is not something I want to do.
Call me crazy.
Neither was I casting judgement, the post above is satire. Guess that went over your head? And it is worth pointing out that Amy obviously feels she is no longer doing what she wants because she checked herself into rehab. Her family, whilst supporting her, did not force her there. It was her decision.
I could go on but I’m supposed to be writing. That’s what I want to do.
Amy Winehouse is a sad excuse for a person… Her voice maybe amazing but personally think she looks like a very very ugly drag queen… with her huge ass hair which she probabky hides her drugs and her terribly dark make up… Amy needs to crawl into a hole and go away until she can get her bloody shit together…
that picture is soooooooooooooooooooo UGLY….
she is ugly but i like her styl.
“Just because she does not make the same decisions with her life as you or anyone else does, that does not mean that she is “troubled” as the media keeps saying. She obviously doesn’t think she is troubled and neither do I. Its ashame that Just because Amy Winehouse does what she wants with her life that people cast judgment…Maybe you are jealousy or envious that you don’t have the balls to do what you want regardless of what other people say about you…”
= Sid Vicious
amy u are my hero all the and i i could meet any one in the world it would be u and i would be over the moon to see u off the suff and im 10
by hannah akil
amy winehouse is bueatiful and just cause this picture doesnt show it well i think u should google image her beacuse she is a bueaty no matter wat anyone ses and shes got a great persenality and fantastic sense of humor
by hannah akl
amy has an amazing voice, but what she chooses to do wiht her life is her buissness, not mine, but she’s not my first choice for a role model
I’m surprised this post is still generating traffic let alone comments. Please bear in mind it’s just meant to be a bit of fun.