Columbo Villain of The Week: Anthea Turner

23 01 2008

This week’s CVTW is the perfect vill…housewife Anthea Turner.

Anthea Turner

The former Blue Peter girl whose career reached giddy heights with GMTV before she managed to get fired and is currently trawling new depths with Help Me Anthea I’m infested…

The one time princess of breakfast telly’s career detonated when she finally pushed Irish co-presenter Eamonn Holmes over the edge. GMTV fired her. Through 1999-2001 she was more famous for being in the tabloids than on the telly as her failed relationships were rolled out one after another culminating in her marrying Grant Bovey.

In 2001 she began her long climb back to fame with Celebrity Big Brother being the third person voted off. This was merely a dress rehearsal for a more permanent return with The perfect Housewife in 2006 when she was finally, irrevocably revealed as a nutcase. The concept of the show involved Anthea taking wayward housewives (and husbands) to task over being unable to keep a tidy house, correctly select cheese-boards and the correct way to fluff a pillow.

Anthea’s never really given up on the whole telly thing and with her own show once more I reckon she’d do anything to hang onto her top spot. I can see it now…

Jealous of her BBC Three success her ex-boyfriend and fellow z-lister Bruno Brookes threatens to release a compromising photo of her. That’s right: she once had paisley upholstery. This threatens to destroy the very fabric of the Anthea brand. There is only one way to handle it.

She entices Bruno round to discuss terms and with the promise of a nibble on her vintage gorgonzola. Before his arrival she laces the cheese with the arsenic based weedkiller she uses to keep children off her lawns, discreetly she plants a note threatening herself in with the cheese wrapping. It goes without saying she’s wearing rubber gloves.

Bruno’s demise rocks stoke-on-trent. Anthea even gets a job out of it speaking at his funeral for which she charges £50. It’s a slow week and so the story gets picked up on GMTV – Anthea is back on the sofa once more. Riding on a wave of nostalgia the public speaks…well mumbles: they want Anthea back.

The producers aren’t sure. For one thing they suspect it isn’t her they want to see but the ever present threat of violence between her and Eamonn; for another she’s followed everywhere by a cigar chomping American Detective. Crisis talks are ordered: Eamonn is invited to afternoon tea.

Anthea cleans for twenty-four hours straight in the run up to the big meeting, the sofa is ironed and the windows washed clean with the tears of eighteen virgins. Anthea even bakes…

…Eamonn arrives with Grant’s irritating detective friend from America who always forgets to remove his shoes and yes he’s walked mud through the hall. They proceed to the living room where the yank sits down with his coat still on, was he born in a speak easy? And look: that fat Irishman is smiling his genial bloody twinkling Gaelic smile. No, I must stop that. Here, I’ll pour the tea. There you go. And cut the cake AND OH MY GOD HE’S PUT THE CUP DOWN ON BARE WOOD I’M GOING TO KILL HIM.

Eamonn’s obituary is lengthy but Anthea’s on the frontpage once more…


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4 responses

24 01 2008
Justin

That photo actually made me take a deep breath, and back away slightly.

I hope you’re happy.

27 10 2009
khoustello

Very funny-but the antics of this dodgy duo are far from witty.What annoys me is that a judge once said that Bovey wasnt a fit man to run a business.The next thing he gets huge loans from the BoS.Why was this?The person who provided the loans got a huge payoff when he left-so its cash for mistakes!

29 10 2009
khoustello

“Weve struck gold” said Anthea-one half of the dodgy duo Granthea.This man Bovey was going to float that brick he called Imagine Homes!Thats two homes thats giving Anthea nightmares-Imagine and Eamonn! Princess Tippy Toes has now taken up cleaning jobs to make ends meet.How long I wonder before Bovey is back in “business?”Someone should write a book about this duo-it will outsell Antheas own book(cant remember the title)which sold just over 400 copies.
What a pity we taxpayers are saddled with 20,000,000 of their debts.

31 10 2009
KHOUSTELLO

Whens Columbo going to meet the thoroughly dislikeable Grant Bovey-a man with a string of failed businesses going back ten years.Even the cleaner was owed seven grand.Theres the matter of the tax payers £20,000,000 of his debts we have been saddled with.Yet this couple have “downsized” to a house once owned by Chris Evans-I will bet you its not a council flat!
Get the super sleuth on the job quick!

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