Columbo Villain of the Week: Guy Ritchie

30 01 2008

This week’s CVTW is Madonna’s house husband, film director Guy Ritchie.

Guy Ritchie and wife

Guy shot to fame in 1998 with his reinvention of the classic British crime caper movie that was so popular in the sixties and seventies. That movie was of course Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. The film was a run away success launching Vinnie Jones’ film career (thanks for that Guy) and establishing Guy as a director to watch.

Snatch followed in short order – an entertaining return to the crime caper that left many wondering if Guy could do anything else. When he made Swept Away starring his wife it became apparent that in fact he couldn’t do anything other than crime capers and his later efforts showed he’s fully capable of cocking those up as well. But all that isn’t what he’s really famous for.

No, what Guy’s really known for is making his teenage fantasies flesh and marrying Madonna. Oddly, given her prior relationship history, the couple are still together – yay for them.

Yet Madonna’s career has also foundered in recent years, sure she’s had some hits but nothing like her earlier successes, oddly co-inciding with her marriage. And I can’t see her being very happy with this state of affairs or the British Press reaction to her trips to Africa – don’t they know that’s where anyone who’s anyone buys their children these days?

Yup, I can’t see Madonna being down with how things are going, surely it’s just a matter of time before she decides Guy should hit the high road. And how would that sit with Guy? After all, Madonna is his meal ticket. He hasn’t had a film gross decent returns since Snatch, he’s on the fast lane to film jail. Guy “shooter” Ritchie lies down for no one.

I can see it now…

Guy, using his allowance and superior knowledge of the London criminal elements, hires a hitman known as The Fox (AKA Basil Brush). The plan, a cunning and complex stragem, is launched into action.

Basil Brush

Using his contacts The Fox gets a job at Harrods promoting Loofahs. When Madonna makes her weekly trip, he’s ready and as she emerges from her mini cooper a box of Loofah’s falls from the fourth floor. Ironically missing Madonna by inches but squishing an Irish Gypsy that is later found to be Brad Pitt practising for the reprisal of his role from Snatch.

Madonna, fearing for her life, hires an American detective on a freelance basis to track down her would-be killer. Guy’s not worried – he’s a master criminal who’s connected whilst this yank can’t even iron his shirts.


Attempt two is set in motion. This time using the infamous hit man know as The Gopher (AKA Gordon The Gopher) and utilising the well known East End delicacy Jellied Eels. Guy’s confident – all he needs to do is get on the old dog and bone to Fred the fishmonger about the smelly peels.

But wait, here’s that scruffy fuzz. And he’s… my that’s a big cigar, no, hang on it’s a loofah.

Oh Balls.



2 responses

15 10 2008
Reformed traffic whore « The other side of the river

[...] if you’re here because Madonna and Guy decided to split (clearly this is THE top story of the moment, after all there’s nothing else [...]

16 10 2008
Madonna Is Mrs. Ritchie No More.

[...] Image Sources: Judiciary Report The other side of the river [...]

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