Columbo Villain of The Week: Boris Johnson MP

6 02 2008

This week’s Columbo Villain of the Week is Boris Johnson MP.

Boris Johnson MP

Constant readers will know that I viewed Boris’s entry into the London Mayoral display doubting, as I do, Londoners’ ability to differentiate between a democratic vote and celebrity big brother. Ergo whilst Boris on BB would be highly entertaining, Boris as Mayor of London has real world implications for anyone living in London.

Boris rose to national fame in the UK as the bumbling editor of Spectator Magazine and Tory MP who could always be relied to put his foot in it. Several memorable appearances on Have I got news for you and some quality Private Eye gags later Boris was pretty much view as a kind of real world Tim Nice But Dim.

It’s liable to be a dog eat dog fight for the London Mayoral Election and it really is down to Boris Vs Ken. Boris must realise that some people may have spotted he couldn’t organise his way out of a paper bag and this puts his chances of election at risk.

I can see it now…

Boris, fresh from his latest bevy of conquests (Petunia, Petronella and Priscilla), hatches a cunning plan using all of his Oxford education he carefully plants a banana skin outside Ken Livingstone’s front door. He is cunningly disguised as TV wine taster Olly Smith to avoid detection.

Olly Smith - Boris look alikeKen Livingston Mayor of London

Ken emerges for his daily press conference on his war on capitalism and slips fatally falling down the steps of his Victorian town house as the world media snaps away. Olly Smith is duly arrested, the bottle of wine at the scene is a dead give away even without the manic smile at the CCTV cameras. And Boris is ahead in the polls.

All is going well. But wait, what’s this?

Olly Smith is no simple patsy. He’s the unsung star of Saturday Kitchen and James Martin knows without him we’ll all switch over faster than you can say Anthony Worrell Thompson. James calls in a favour…

Boris is enjoying this being taken seriously malarkey. No one’s made an Ian Hislop joke in at least twenty minutes and journalists are taking notes instead of holding up cell phones to the newsroom whilst sniggering up their sleeves. It’ll all be fine as long as he doesn’t touch on any of his proposed policies; it’s like David and that nice chap Max said, “once you’re in they can’t wriggle off the hook, they’re stuck with us”.

Oh questions now, he thinks, I like questions. Oh look there’s a funny looking Italian fellow, must be a homeless person in that coat – I’ll get rid of them if I get elected there’s a food shortage in Papua New Guinea that could benefit. Why he’s got my cycling helmet – I wonder where he got that, why the last time I had that…


Who the F*** is Alice?

6 02 2008

In case anyone was wondering, this is Dr Alice Roberts:

Dr Alice Roberts

I’m not posting a picture of G because she’s [edited for legal reasons]. Not on the telly. With me (if you know what I mean). And she’d kill me.


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