This week’s Columbo villain of the week is the governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Schwarzenegger has had several successful careers in his lifetime. Originally hailing from Austria he made the jump to the US when his bodybuilding career exploded at an exponential rate that saw him win the Mr Universe contest age twenty. Using his earnings from his first career he trained in business and ploughed future winnings into a number of businesses catching him his first million a fair time before he first said ‘I’ll be back’.
From there Arnie made the jump to movies and most people know how that went, once his chrome plated star began to tarnish he cast his eyes at where retired actors go to await the final curtain call: politics. Elected as governor of California in an emergency recall election many were sceptical whether the famously flamboyant and roving eyed oak would weather the world of politics. Defying his critics Arnie was re-elected last year, this time for a full term.
Over achiever doesn’t really cover it when it comes to the Terminator.
You’d be forgiven for admiring Arnie, a self made man who pretty much got where he is by hard graft and his own intelligence. Of course you can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs or committing a few questionable tactics in his body building contests or injecting large amounts of anabolic steroids.
And, whatever you tell the person who interrupted, eating is cheating big boy. (Allegedly).
Yes, wherever Arnie goes controversy follows. He’s only getting away with it at the moment because there’s a despotic nutcase in the white house – and Bush is pretty stupid too. Yes, mark my words, if Obama gets in Arnie’s up shit creek because the press have to go after someone and it ain’t going to be the first black president of the US. There are some pretty large skeletons lurking in Arnie’s over-sized closet.
I can see it now…
Barbara Boxer retires and Arnie announces he is running for the senate. Enraged by his rise to power Anna Richardson gets herself a freelance contract with USA Today and starts digging. In a small shop in Portsmouth, where Arnie once stayed on his rise to the top, she finds what she’s looking for. Arnie’s big secret. Not women, not drugs, not bad 70s action films and not a closet right wing agenda.
Far worse: a muscle suit.
That’s right. Arnie is really a five foot four, one hundred and forty pound weakling called Arthur Biggins, the creation of a really good theatrical make up artist by the name of Rupert, based out of Portsmouth, England. Even that Austrian accent is put on. Richardson obtains the original ledger orders from the sixties proving that Arnie is in fact Arthur.
Richardson is about to send on her story to USA Today when she realises there is an opportunity to earn even larger amounts of money, after all he paid up for one (alleged) grope – what would he pay for this?
Arnie is left reeling after discovering his long held secret is in the hands of the woman who nearly derailed his political career and she never put out; she’s not to be trusted. Head in his hands, Cuban cigar in his mouth and mirror set up to observe his artificial biceps Arnie just doesn’t know what to do. Then he sets eyes on his newest houseguest, The Fox (AKA Basil Brush).
Basil, wanted for the attempted murder of Madonna, is on the run and has found refuge with his old flame Maria Shriver (or Mrs Schwarzenegger as she is now). They met when he was an eighties children’s TV star, she was a TV journalist, it was just one of those things: their schedules never synced. They remained friends.
Arnie pours out his problems to Basil who agrees to off Richardson. And so the plan swings into action.
The Fox, using his residual television charm agrees to meet Richardson to provide a scoop on why Guy tried to have his wife killed and why the Fox agreed to take the contract. They meet in a little club off the strip that Basil likes to frequent when he’s got money in his pocket.
When Richardson goes to the bathroom, Basil has already been there and placed an exploding loofah on the sink. Confused Richardson lifts the loofah and she’s poofah (that’s a bad one even for me).
Arnie is immensely relieved when he sees the news that day, so relieved he’s happy to talk to the small homicide detective who likes his cigars so much he takes three when he thinks Arnie isn’t looking. He’s not here about Richardson; no he’s chasing the Fox and wants to talk to Maria.
Arnie’s not bothered, he’s a certainty for the senate and he’s deep into plotting his plan to correct that pesky paragraph on the US constitution. But look it’s that detective once more and he’s carrying a large cigar, no it’s a burnt loofah. What’s that on the side of it: Schwarzenegger.
Scheisse.
I’m no fan of Arnie (I liked some of his movie roles; playing barbarians, and robots and what not, what’s not to like) but I’m a little curious why you chose him for your Columbo Villain of the week.
He isn’t going to get the constitution changed,
I’m not sure there is any way he can get elected into the senate from California without changing parties to be a Democrat. That state is so flippin’ liberal (umm…that’s american liberal) that I was frankly amazed he got elected governor.
And that only happened because of the complete incompetence of Gray Davis and subsequent recall of his election and Arnie running against one of the few people he could beat.
IMHO he won’t be able to do much more than Gov. of Cali.
Anyways, just my 2 cents.
And BTW what is the context surrounding Columbo Villain of the week. You say Columbo and I remember the old TV show staring Peter Falk: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Columbo
That one totally cheered me up in my lurgeed state! Thanx!!
Greg – I picked Arnie because he was the celeb I had an idea for. Columbo Villain of the Week does indeed stem from the tv series Columbo and the idea is just to have a bit of fun with celebs who would not be out of place as a Columbo villain in real life.
Occasionally I do make a more concerted effort at satire (Bush, Blair, Johnson) but although Arnie is a politician now I was not having a pop at him in that respect. It was merely a set up for the rest of the joke. Ditto for the constitution – Sly Stallone actually made a similar joke in Demolition Man.
Having said that Arnie is far from squeaky clean and that’s what makes him ripe for sending up – as he himself has done on more than one occasion.
To be honest it’s just meant to be about chuckles and not too serious. In recent weeks it’s got a bit more surrealist with children’s tv puppets trying to off people left, right and centre. But ultimately the scruffy detective in the raincoat gets them all.
In my opinion you should give Arnie a chance. Of course, his life story is in no way similar to other politicans but he is really hard working to earn success. Of course, it is very amusing to read through your post but I think that you should try to support him a little bit.