Columbo Villian of the Week

28 11 2007

Apologies for the lack of CVTW last Wednesday. It was one of those weeks.

This week we’re going for political satire, it’s a bold and some would say stupid move. Like trying to sell Northern rock – ba-boom-tshh!

In case you haven’t guessed this week’s CVTW is the Chancellor of the Exchequer: Alastair Darling (unless he’s been fired already in which case it’s the former chancellor).

Alastair Darling

Alistair is the person the previous incumbent (Gordon Brown) chose to replace him when he moved into the top job at Number 10. Economically and politically astute observers have commented that might not have been a favour as Brown’s economic chickens come home to roost.

In the last few months we’ve had a series of blunders including the time-bomb that was easy credit exploding all over Northern Rock. And, most recently, the small matter of twenty-five million people’s personal data getting lost in the post. That’s right: TWENTY-FIVE MILLION or around third of the population of the UK.

Darling is in trouble. The Tories are out for blood and sensing Brown still has some armour left they’re going for old mono-brow.

Meanwhile Darling is presumably getting wise that the cold sensation between his shoulder blades is not Brown’s limp hand as he thought but a knife the Prime Minister has slipped in.

It’s not looking good for the former transport secretary, he must fight if he wants to survive. I can see it now…

Frightened he’s about to lose his career and fearing he’s landed in a trap of Brown’s devising Darling decides – like Railtrack – there’s only one way out: to take control.

First off he dyes his hair to match his eyebrows in order to prove more electable for the coming leadership contest he intends to create. Then, carefully, he trains his cat, Sybil*, to attack the Prime Minister on sight using a photo and a piece of his clothing that my lawyers have prevented me from listing here.

Then he invites the cabinet to dinner.

Sybil is trained, ready for action and with claws laced with arsenic, just to be on the safe side.

At the pre-arranged time the cat is unleashed. Leaping from the Welsh Dresser the cat flies at Gordon Brown…who reaches down to pick up the spoon he’s just dropped; the cat falling instead on Jack Straw. Sybil is beyond caring as she lashes Jack’s face with her claws.

Straw is rushed to hospital where he is pronounced dead. Darling becomes the poster boy for owners who don’t look after their pets garnering more bad press. To make matters worse a small American Detective refuses to leave him alone, dropping ash all over the carpet and talking about therapy for Sybil.

The icing on the cake is that the discs have turned up in his jacket. He has no idea how they got there, it’s almost like someone planned it.

My, isn’t Gordon smiling widely?

Gordon Brown

Oh lord it’s that detective again, I bet he’s got one more question…

* His cat really is called Sybil according to Wikipedia, and everyone knows Wikipedia is the bastion of all knowledge.


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28 01 2009
Columbo Villain of The Week: Gordon Brown « The other side of the river

[…] Gordon Brown was born and raised in Scotland, his father was a church minister and his mother was called Bunty (NB – I haven’t started making things up yet: she really was Bunty Brown, wikipedia is never wrong). He has a PHD in history, worked in television (still not making this up) prior to entering parliament and famously came off worse in the whole Blair/Brown deal but rather better in the whole Alastair Darling Columbo Villain of the Week. […]

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