Columbo Villain of the Week: Kerry Katona

2 01 2008
This weeks CVTW is the face of Iceland and former Atomic Kitten: Kerry Katona.

Kerry Katona

After leaving school at age 16 Kerry toured Europe as part of a dance troupe. Bored of taking her clothes off for money she decided to do it for a lot of money and joined the pop band Atomic Kitten. It made her name and she joined the ranks of the hallowed few, voices to glorious to be recorded, such as the mighty Milli Vanilli. That’s right she never actually sang.

In 2001 after bagging herself a member of Westlife, Brian McFadden, Kerry announced she was leaving the band as she had one in the oven. She popped another one out two years later before returning to television in 2004 most notably in I’m a Celebrity…please shoot me.

In September 2004 she separated from McFadden and did what any other single mother with two young children would have done: do adverts for Iceland and take copious amounts of drugs.

Despite writing regularly for OK magazine Kerry apparently feels victimised by the public whom have, on occasion, dared to suggest that smoking like a chimney and/or taking lots of drugs may not be entirely from the playbook of mother of the year.

How dare they? I would never cast such dispersions.

Unpopularity is fleeting, common sense an illusion. Kerry is far too skilled a manipulator of the mob and a person who craves the limelight. No, I imagine the distinction of being voted the most annoying person in Britain is just a temporary glitch, even now she’s planning her come back. Oh I can see it now…

Binned by Iceland and reeling from her disastrous appearance on GMTV Kerry believes she needs to raise her profile, a triumphant challenge like I’m a halfwit, please eliminate me from the gene pool. But she’s already done that one, what can she do?

Then it occurs to her: Celebrity Big Brother.

It’s the perfect solution. She’ll get rolling twenty-four hour coverage for a whole two weeks, a plethora of new celebrity mates and if she just makes nicey, nicey with everyone then she might even win. More importantly everyone will see how normal she is.

After all there are no nutters on the celebrity version.

Three contestants left and all is not going according to plan. Kerry isn’t even registering now and she knows it because she has her PR agent, Max Clifford, sneak in at night via the pipework. Smelling of old socks he gives her the lowdown in the bathroom, and he tells her what’s going on. Desperate measures are needed.

Utilising a camera blind spot she swaps her fellow contestant’s drinks round. Ozzy Osbourne, fellow housemate, doesn’t get his usual mix of anti-psychotics instead being given warm milk. Meanwhile another housemate, Declan Donnelly, gets a trip to la la land.

Ozzy OsbourneDeclan Donnelly

But wait. There’s more:

Ozzy’s lack of medication induces a flashback. He’s back on stage, it’s 1983 and there’s a wee beast before him. He bites its head off.

And there’s just one small problem, hardly worth mentioning. It’s not an animal, it’s Dec.

Kerry wrestles the Master of Darkness to the floor, tying him up with her G-String and then waiting for security to arrive. Oh and bugger me but she’s the only contestant left.

Another book follows: In the house with Ozzy. She’s offered Dec’s place on Saturday Night Take Away. And she’s even got a new admirer: an American detective who’s helping his cousin with the investigation, he’s very taken with her, not too bright but that’s ok. Apparently he also founded the United States, he looks good for his age and he must be worth a bit.

Here he comes again. Oh he’s got a glass in his hand. Must want to take me for a drink? Well he’ll have to lose that raincoat for a start…